Thinking of you ... what some women are really fantasising about during love-making
WHEN you ponder what's on your man's mind during those intimate moments together, probably the last thing you'd have imagined is strapping footballer Emile Heskey.
But as we revealed yesterday, when blokes are building up to the final whistle in the bedroom, many admit that thinking about the 6ft 2in England and Aston Villa star is their favourite method of prolonging the action.
So what do women think about on the way to reaching their goal? George Clooney, perhaps? Robert Pattinson?
Here six great writers tell NIKKI WATKINS and CHARLOTTE MARTIN what really scores with them between the sheets.
Shazia Mirza,34, single
COMEDIAN
I'VE waited for sex for so long now, I think the only way I'm going to get it is if it snows heavily and someone slips on to me.
So when I do get it, you'd think I'd make the most of it.
Women's lives are so much busier than men's. I've got friends who tell me that during sex they are mentally writing a to-do list, remembering clothes they have to wash, what they've got to buy at Tesco's or those shoes they love in Selfridges.
Sex can be a scary experience for some women, and sometimes just a chore.
It's never what you want or expect, constantly thinking: "God, I hope I don't have to do this to him in return," or: "Oh, let's just get this over and done with, Graham Norton's on in a minute."
A friend of mine, who really loves her husband, told me that during sex she can't help thinking about all the men she secretly really desires, like Jeremy Beadle and Jeremy Paxman.
But of course I'm sure sex can be great, but as you get older you can't help thinking: "I'm too old for this, I'm knackered and I've got so much to do.
"I think I'll just save sex for holidays, Christmas and the odd encounter on an M6 layby."
Kathy Lette, 51, married
AUTHOR
IT can only be a good thing if men are learning to delay orgasm by thinking about something boring. Mind you, for women it's the opposite problem.
I've been married twice and had many lovers and to be honest, with past lovers I've been so bored in bed, I've taken to compiling mental grocery lists and calculating exactly how many shoes are in the wardrobe (82 pairs).
Oh, the things you can fathom when time is on your side! The reply most wives would give to a husband who said he wanted to make love to her so badly would be: "I think you succeeded."
The trouble with sex is not women faking orgasms, but men faking foreplay.
So while men are thinking of ways of delaying orgasm, many women are thinking of ways to stimulate it.
Most wives are taken for granted. But how we'd LIKE to be taken is by a muscular-thighed Adonis with pecs appeal.
Luckily sex with Johnny Depp is only the flick of a light switch away. Ah, Johnny - a man whose sex appeal is so deadly it should be registered at police headquarters as a lethal weapon.
Doing the horizontal tango with George Clooney is also amazing - if only he'd been with me at the time!
Sometimes I pretend I'm being made love to by a perfect stranger - except I don't want him to be perfect, I want him to be really bad.
When it comes to sex, it's often best to keep your partner in the dark.
Sarah Millican, 33, in a relationship
COMEDIAN
SO men think of Emile Heskey - a tall, athletic bloke - during sex.
I have to say that some of the women probably are now too. And I bet my boyfriend wouldn't even mind, as he supports the Villa.
Women's magazines would have you believe that women make shopping lists during sex. I don't even make them when I go to Asda.
Bad sex is a bit like getting a Christmas present you're not keen on. Hiding a grimace while thinking: "I hope he's kept the receipt."
I never walk out of a film at the cinema. I'm the same with sex. I always think it might get better. To be honest, as long as I've got a bag of Maltesers, I'm not going anywhere.
Thoughts I've had during sex: "Is that my feet or his?" and "Better get cracking, I've got chicken Kievs in the oven."
I once had sex on the beach. Rather than somewhere exotic, we were on South Shields beach. It was freezing, so we had all our clothes on and I could smell dog poo. All I could think was: "Is it in my hair?"
In short, blokes, if you're doing it right, she's thinking of you (or George Clooney).
Sarah Cawood, 37, single
TV PRESENTER
LET'S face it, ladies, we women don't need anything to prolong our fun in the sack.
It's more about staying in the mood than stopping as we go overboard into a frenzy.
I have a whole catalogue of fit men up my sleeve that I pull out when we are doing the deed - and it doesn't mean I don't fancy the man beneath me too, I'm just blooming greedy.
I start off imagining a brawn-covered Josh Hartnett - you know, Pearl Harbor era. All uniformed up and ready for action. This is followed nicely by a bit of Jake Gyllenhaal and then, my pièce de résistance - Lamb.
No, not the covered-in- mint-sauce type, I mean George and his dad Larry.
I can't decide between the two, but they both definitely move things along.
But trust me, guys, once 15 minutes of action between the sheets is up, my mind is wandering.
And not in a good way. Thinking about the weather, what's for breakfast and the sheer amount of beauty shut-eye I'm missing while you have your wicked way with me is not a good way to finish a night of passion.
Occasionally I realise there is a man on top of me, but for a majority of the session you've well and truly lost me to cloud Cawood-land.
So boys, leave Heskey on the pitch and focus on me a bit more - it'll pay off, trust me.
Laura Godman, 25, single
EDITOR, SCARLET
I HAVE experienced many off-the-wall mid-coitus contemplations.
From recalling a favourite blue movie scene (not so unusual) to imagining giving a lover an X Factor-style performance critique (Simon Cowell not included), I've had them all.
Meanwhile, confessionals with friends have revealed that those unimpressed with their man's performance have picked their feet during lovemaking (well, a hang-nail caught on the bed sheets is exceedingly distracting) and even sipped a cup of tea while getting down to it.
Another revealed that, following a furious row with her boyfriend on holiday and in the midst of make-up sex with him, she visualised having revenge sex with a Latin lover called Pedro to cool down.
But for me, it's my stomach I normally focus on.
Not how big it looks - body issues are the last thing on my mind - but what I'm going to eat afterwards.
When I was a student it was Pot Noodles (I was renowned for eating one post-sesh) and now I've moved up the scale to the nice bar of choccie I'm going to scoff afterwards.
But be warned - if it goes on too long, I'm drifting off to thoughts of my graduation day.
No, I'm not a narcissist, I just always forget to put my graduation photo that I have standing by the side of my bed face-down before I get ready for action.
Jackie Clune, 44, married mum of 4
COMEDIAN
MEN always seem to want to do it for hours. Most women I know - working mums with too much to do and not enough time to do it in - just don't have the time to give to nookie.
We've become experts at the distraction technique. It's old news to us girls - except we mostly use it to make sex go faster, not slower.
It's not that we don't like sex - it's just that we're all so busy that we can't spend a full half-hour lying on our backs without using the time in a more cost-effective way.
What do most women think during sex? "Hurry up!" - that's what.
Although there is such a thing as too fast, even for us knackered old bags.
One woman I know confesses to trying to construct her entire shopping list during sex.
Unfortunately for her, she never gets further than "Eggs, bread - oh, goodnight, love."
If we do fantasise about sex at all it's not normally about romantic, tall, dark strangers.
It's more likely to be about the sort of man who doesn't need a sat nav to find the G spot, who thinks foreplay is a necessity, not a bolt-on in a mobile phone contract and who doesn't need to think of a footballer to stop himself scoring an own goal.
You know - a lover who can make mental checklists disappear into thin air with the sheer force of his touch.
No pressure, guys...
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